The Placenta Monologues no. 3

May 24, 2008
Oh boy, oh boy! Hear that Centa? We're going to a wedding! I love weddings, the people, the love, the flowers, the cake, and of course DANCING!!

Gosh, Centa, Ma sure is spending a lot of time trying to make herself look and smell pretty. Too bad she still looks like she lost a fight with a bees nest and is all swollen and poofy. Poor thing . . . I'm sure with our help she'll be looking better soon. I mean it can't get much worse!

So, the part of the wedding at the church was okay, the bride looked so pretty and her flowers smelled so nice. After that I got McNuggets at McDonald's 'cause Ma got real hungry and didn't think she'd last 3 hours without food, which was okay with me, since I really really like nuggets.

The next part of the day was at a really pretty building near Lake Monona. There were all kinds of people there all dressed up. Then we went into a room were we ate chicken and then it was time to DANCE!! I love to dance, I mean it is so fun, I just bounce around, kick my feet, wave my arms and swing my cord! Apparently, Ma is one heck of a dancer too . . . I overheard a surprise! While Ma was out on the floor shaking it big time and doing a cross between disco and the running man, the DJ said, "That baby's gonna be a rock star!" Did you hear that, Centa? A ROCK STAR! I am so excited, not decided yet on guitar, bass or vocals, but a rock star none-the-less!

The Placenta Monologues

May 1, 2009
WHOA Centa!! I can see you a bit more clearly now and no offense, but you're ugly!! I thought you were a toy. Granted, the most boring toy ever, but something for my amusement none the less, you are ugly and not a toy at all!!
You're soft and warm, but oh yuck, Centa have you looked in a mirror??? I've got bad news, our living arrangements suck and now this, not a toy, not a blanket, no t.v. no facebook . . . I hate it here.
My room is dark and damp, it's like living in a basement and Ma's upstairs. She'll probably start charging rent soon . . .
I hope she see's that guy with the low voice soon, he's so nice and usually takes us somewhere.

The Placenta Monologues

Brandon (Baby Daddy) and I have fun pretending what Brynn is doing in utero. In fact we've made up a few situations that make us giggle, so I thought (until I get bored, distracted or otherwise just don't think it's funny anymore) I'd share here a number of posts called, "The Placenta Monologues."

Let me set the stage for you, Baby Daddy and I are both highly social, talkative people with short attention spans. Please do not use that against us or doubt our integrity, work ethic, or intelligence, it is just the case that we never run short of things to chat about. We suspect that with that kind of "skill set" coming from both genomes, our daughter will be a chatterer as well. She may even be holding conversations with her only companion right now, that companion is of course, Placenta or "Centa" as we imagine she's so familiar, she's given the placenta a nickname.

April 24, 2009
Centa, I'm glad you're here. I'm very bored and "you know who" is hardly ever paying attention to me. I hear her over and over, "Hello, this is Bridget at the Lottery." What does that even mean? Sometimes she pokes into my room and I try to reach her, but these damned fingers are good for nothing, so I just smack a fist at her.
Centa? Have you been here this whole time? Remember back to the holidays? Those were fun, so much going on and new places to stop and use the bathroom at. I was not cramped in here at all. Now it seems like she just sits. I hope tonight she sends down another one of those root beer floats. They really make me burp, but are they good . . .

Yes I'm pregnant, no you may not.

So, I realize I don't write often, sorry.

I'm sure anyone who reads this, who has ever been pregnant will find some truth to my rantings, my husband; however, thinks I'm just being angry.

Okay, so as "beautiful" as pregnancy is (and catch the hint of sarcasm here) it's personal, happening to some one's body, and EACH of us who has been born lived in a pregnant person for some point in our lives! As for the beauty aspect of this procedure, anyone ever pass gas while pregnant, or belched and had food come out, or acquired a new bodily odor, or developed super greasy hair or complexion, or had their feet look like baked potatoes, or leaked anything from anywhere or developed dark circles? You get my point, it ain't so "beautiful."

So, pregnancy is not that uncommon actually, look around, see anybody? They were born and therefore had 50% participation in a pregnancy. Why then, do people who you don't know, don't care about, don't speak to, don't respect the opinions of, offer anecdotes to you, offer you information on any topic under the sun and/or insist on touching you? I apologize here to any "well intentioned" person who falls into that category, but I've been doing my best to let all those "well intentions" roll off my back, but I've had a rough week and am feeling like addressing the feelings I'm experiencing - after all they are part of this miracle called pregnancy and everyone feels that my business is now their business right?

Okay, so the topic of breastfeeding, why is it anyone's business? Why would anyone care? Why would anyone have any interest, what-so-ever, in what I do with my ta tas? Why do you think I care about what you do with your ta tas?

I found it interesting the first few times I was asked, but by now I'm just plain old sick of the topic. You're pregnant, either people can see that or they've been told . . . why is the VERY NEXT question, "are you going to breastfeed?" I personally was shocked as Hell to learn I was expecting and it took a while for me to process that information alone, I did not need to be dragged into a discussion on what to feed the baby once it got here! I am not for or against breastfeeding, I don't really care, so WHY is it the topic everyone is dying to discuss?

Yes, I get the benefits, I can read about them all day if I want. I don't need your dissertation on the subject. Also, I understand the negatives and those too can be read about ad nauseum.

Pumping, nipple calluses, colostrum, milk storage, nipple preparedness, latching, side-switching etc. not topics for work, not topics to be discussed with your supervisor, not topics for me to discuss with hardly anyone! Let me share with you what my supervisor (yes my boss) shared with me yesterday and I'll let you know that this conversation came right on the heals of the Governor's speech on cutting my pay and possibly my job! I may not be 100% sure of what I'll feed the baby once she arrives, but if mommy's got no job or health insurance it won't much matter!

Preface - this conversation took place in the office, in my work unit; not in a private area like a conference room or a restroom. "Bridget, you're going to breastfeed right?" "I'll try, I'm not committed one way or the other." (My first unsuccessful attempt at "not your business, boss.") "Oh well you'll have to the first couple days while you're at the hospital anyway." "Oh." "What you've got to do is; and my daughters told me I was right after they had their babies and didn't do it is, when you're in the shower take a washcloth and really rub on your nipples, it'll really hurt and be sore, but you need to start getting a callus. Start doing it now, you're already 7 months." I don't say much at this point, but my jaw has dropped. "Oh are you using butter?" "What? No." "Cocoa butter, on your belly so you don't get stretch marks?" "Oh yes I do use the cocoa butter, I don't have any marks, my belly is just pale white, but smooth." "Oh and know where else you need to use it? Your boobs and your butt, my boobs look like a road map now." She pulls down her shirt so I can see, obliging I raise my shirt and show part of my smooth pale belly. She continues, "Yeah my husband jokes about my nipples now, they're huge, my kids had a mouthful." "Oh," I put my head down and walk back to my desk.

Why did I need to have that experience? I don't know, but I promise you this, dear reader, unless you ask specific questions about my pregnancy, I will not offer you unsolicited advice.

Oh yeah sure, it's just part of my body, go ahead and touch.

I've seen a number of men with protruding stomachs, a large percentage of non-pregnant women have them too. I've never run up and felt their bulges or stared for long periods of time at the parts of their structure that go past their skeletons. You get pregnant though, and the one thing that you're supposed to be protecting and keeping healthy is now property of the world. I don't let just anyone touch my dogs or come in my house, why would I welcome your grubby little hands to investigate my person. Until I was in "the family way" I just didn't realize how real of an experience the belly touching phenomenon is, I thought those women were simply exaggerating their encounters, not so. Strangers and non-friends are the first groups to grope.

I have been asked by very considerate, but curious people if they could touch the belly or feel the baby kick. To them, I give an enthusiastic, "Yes, sure, let me help you feel where she's moving the most." To other people, with whom I feel comfortable, I offer, "Would you like to touch the belly?" Or, "She's moving now, do you want to feel?" In these instances, I am very happy to share my experiences, and to experience something very personal with you. It is exciting that she's moving around in there and getting bigger and stronger all the time.

I wish that Brandon could have more of the "female" participation in this. He would really enjoy the special bonding time and being around for all of those kicks and movements. In addition to his being more parental than me, he's taller with a longer torso and wouldn't look quite so much like a baked potato.

Here is a recent shot of the belly and Brynn's room, it's nearly complete!

Bridget, Brandon, Michael and Samantha.

Brynn's crib (thank you, Mimi and Grampy!), bookcase and the rocker Grandma Hud gave us.

Brandon did all the painting and my Grandma Hud and I made the drapes.